A few months ago, I had a conversation with Ellie (my 6-year-old) at bedtime. She was in a very defiant stage, unwilling to listen or trust us. I told her, “I need you to trust me when I ask you to do things. It’s not because I want to stop you from doing what you want, but because my job is to help you become the best version of who you want to be.”
I reminded her that she wants to be kind, selfless, and generous, and when I guide her, it’s not about control but about helping her act in alignment with the person she wants to become. That conversation stuck with me. It made me realize that the best way I can support my kids is not by dictating their path, but by helping them understand themselves and guiding them toward their own values.
Demonstrating the full range of emotions
Last Friday, I had another moment that reminded me of this. My kids were both acting up in the car, and I got angry. I had to scold them in a way they don’t see very often. As I raised my voice, they both went quiet, and eventually, they fell asleep.
Sitting there in the silence, I felt a lot of guilt about yelling at them. I don’t know if they’ll remember this exact moment, but I hope they remember how I handled it, and that it’s okay to feel emotions without letting them take control. But what helped ease that guilt was realizing something important, it’s not about never being angry, it’s about showing them how to handle anger in a healthy way. It’s about making sure that even in frustration, I remain respectful and kind.
I feel like I did that, so the guilt subsided a bit. I wasn’t mean, I didn’t say anything hurtful. They saw a controlled, but real, expression of anger. It made me realize that part of my role as a father is to demonstrate the full range of emotions, showing them what is healthy and unhealthy, and owning up and apologizing when I don’t express myself well. It’s about being okay with feeling angry, sad, excited, or happy, and showing them how to process those emotions in a balanced way.
Letting kids see growth in action
The goal isn’t to be a perfect parent, it’s to be an honest one. My kids will learn far more from seeing me navigate my own emotions in a healthy way than they ever would from being told what to do. If they can see me own my shortcomings, apologize when necessary, and keep striving to be better, then they will know it’s okay for them to do the same.
How do you model emotional intelligence for your kids?